So, look for me back again soon, when I get more words and images to share, and oh yes, my thoughts too.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
I'm still here
Hello again! Aye, yi, yi has it been a long time! And this post isn't going to be very exciting, just a check in so you'll know I haven't given up blogging for good! After the flood, I immediately got sick for several days, followed by the family, and THEN my computer crashed, losing all my photos from the past couple of years, and all of my writing that I had started getting serious about. *sigh* Oddly, I'm not ginormously upset about it. I think that with our techie friends I will be able to retrieve most of it when we get a chance to fiddle with it. I've gotten out of the new habits I was starting to form with daily writing/creativity time, even checking those awesome blogs I've listed over to the side. I was really on a roll there, and then I came to a grinding halt...or maybe I was just tumbling down off the side of the road onto another hectic road at the bottom of the hill. Still ,doing a lot of internal navigation that I'm not really ready to put into words, so often times I'm just stewing these days. I did start my photography class, and I'm learning so much so quickly! Yay! I was just about to post my newly improved photography skills when...crash goes the hard drive.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
We interrupt this program...
My amazing husband had to find an open bike trail 10 miles away and ride his way home today after getting literally locked out of our town yesterday morning, as all roads in or out were suddenly underwater. I thought we wouldn't see him for a few more days, and I was so surprised and thankful when he arrived soaked and muddy from his long trail ride. We will probably be on our own private island for at least another 24 hours. Much better now that we are ALL home together.
On a lighter note, I just wanted to point you to this AMAZING video I found hidden in a link over at Jen Lemen's place. This song made me feel so happy and hopeful, and it felt like it was just for me, perfect for where I find myself these days. Maybe its just for you too.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
inner child, hear me roar (or whisper)
I have had the most amazing time lately reconnecting with old friends via facebook . Yesterday, someone posted this, amazing picture circa 1981, or third grade for me.
Several of us who have not spoken for at least 20 years began to have an animated online chat about the awesomeness of this picture. Look at us! Most of us seemed to think we were really something else. I'm the one thinking I'm hilarious doing bunny ears behind my good friend Amber. We were about to go swimming at the ultra hip and happening, brand new "Holidome" Holiday Inn indoor pool. There we are, our "inner child" staring us back in the face. There we are holding one another's histories in our shared memories. Our entire lives ahead of us, about to discover all kinds of interesting things about life, love, heartbreak, and all that we are capable of, both good and, well, not so good. We have all ended up in very different places, geographically being the least of these, though we are scattered all over the country. Some we haven't seen since school, some we don't recognize at all, having been completely forgotten.
I see some of us with sad, shy eyes peeking out from their 8 year old faces. Some of us thinking we are all that and a bag of chips. And don't we all have days of feeling sad and shy, and some days that feeling of "yeah, look at me, I'm awesome". I just looked at myself, and remembered how I was then. Pretty much fearless, always wanting learn more, read more, dance, act, write, sculpt, you name it, I was up for it. Oh, and I had a pretty good sense of humor too, as you can see from my HILARIOUS bunny ears. :) You know what, I'm still tempted to do bunny ears behind people when I get the chance, because you have to admit, it IS kind of funny.
I'm just feeling amazed at the timing, and thankful for this glimpse of "Me", before anything else was defining me. My role back then was just to be myself and allow myself to play and become whoever I was meant to be. Note to self: More Bunny Ears!!
Several of us who have not spoken for at least 20 years began to have an animated online chat about the awesomeness of this picture. Look at us! Most of us seemed to think we were really something else. I'm the one thinking I'm hilarious doing bunny ears behind my good friend Amber. We were about to go swimming at the ultra hip and happening, brand new "Holidome" Holiday Inn indoor pool. There we are, our "inner child" staring us back in the face. There we are holding one another's histories in our shared memories. Our entire lives ahead of us, about to discover all kinds of interesting things about life, love, heartbreak, and all that we are capable of, both good and, well, not so good. We have all ended up in very different places, geographically being the least of these, though we are scattered all over the country. Some we haven't seen since school, some we don't recognize at all, having been completely forgotten.
I see some of us with sad, shy eyes peeking out from their 8 year old faces. Some of us thinking we are all that and a bag of chips. And don't we all have days of feeling sad and shy, and some days that feeling of "yeah, look at me, I'm awesome". I just looked at myself, and remembered how I was then. Pretty much fearless, always wanting learn more, read more, dance, act, write, sculpt, you name it, I was up for it. Oh, and I had a pretty good sense of humor too, as you can see from my HILARIOUS bunny ears. :) You know what, I'm still tempted to do bunny ears behind people when I get the chance, because you have to admit, it IS kind of funny.
I'm just feeling amazed at the timing, and thankful for this glimpse of "Me", before anything else was defining me. My role back then was just to be myself and allow myself to play and become whoever I was meant to be. Note to self: More Bunny Ears!!
Monday, January 5, 2009
sign posts
Isn't it cool when life keeps sending you messages that say YES! You are on the right track. I've been reading Julia Cameron's The Sound of Paper (and can I just say that I love Julia Cameron!) and came across this, regarding a writing friend who found it difficult to live and create under her current circumstances:
"It is difficult to commit to living where we are , how we are. It is difficult and it is necessary. In order to make art [or thrive in anything, I believe], we must first make an artful life, a life rich enough and diverse enough to give us fuel. We must strive to see the beauty in where we are planted, even if we are planted somewhere that feels very foreign to our nature...If we are not willing to work this way, we become victims. If we become victims, we first become choiceless and then become voiceless. Our art dries up at the root. We must, as the elders advise us, bloom where we are planted."
Ummm, anyone else notice what is printed directly under the title of my blog up there? Yep. I've been trying to remind myself of this for awhile now. As I begin to give myself permission to just do and "be" the things I want to do and be, there is this tension I feel too. Like there's a tension of everything I am, and everything around me that I want to blame for keeping me away from doing and being these things. But, really, I know that's not the real problem. Really, I quite love my life, being a wife and mom. But how to add this other thing in seems to be the trick for me. Then I head on over to Jen Lee's, and what do you know, she's talking about this exact thing! That we'll find a lot of reasons why we can't, which is usually just a front for the real reason, which is usually based in fear, or just IS fear. Still, I'm toodling along, writing even a teeny, tiny little bit each day, making a list of supplies to get for more toodling (art toodling, supplies for which I have exactly none) and oh yeah, I need to get that new fancy camera out again. My writing class got postponed, but I am going to an all day workshop this Saturday which came up just as the class got postponed (more signs). And my wonderful husband gave up ANOTHER Saturday this month so I can do it. That makes 4. I know! He's awesome.
I just love it when it all comes together.
"It is difficult to commit to living where we are , how we are. It is difficult and it is necessary. In order to make art [or thrive in anything, I believe], we must first make an artful life, a life rich enough and diverse enough to give us fuel. We must strive to see the beauty in where we are planted, even if we are planted somewhere that feels very foreign to our nature...If we are not willing to work this way, we become victims. If we become victims, we first become choiceless and then become voiceless. Our art dries up at the root. We must, as the elders advise us, bloom where we are planted."
Ummm, anyone else notice what is printed directly under the title of my blog up there? Yep. I've been trying to remind myself of this for awhile now. As I begin to give myself permission to just do and "be" the things I want to do and be, there is this tension I feel too. Like there's a tension of everything I am, and everything around me that I want to blame for keeping me away from doing and being these things. But, really, I know that's not the real problem. Really, I quite love my life, being a wife and mom. But how to add this other thing in seems to be the trick for me. Then I head on over to Jen Lee's, and what do you know, she's talking about this exact thing! That we'll find a lot of reasons why we can't, which is usually just a front for the real reason, which is usually based in fear, or just IS fear. Still, I'm toodling along, writing even a teeny, tiny little bit each day, making a list of supplies to get for more toodling (art toodling, supplies for which I have exactly none) and oh yeah, I need to get that new fancy camera out again. My writing class got postponed, but I am going to an all day workshop this Saturday which came up just as the class got postponed (more signs). And my wonderful husband gave up ANOTHER Saturday this month so I can do it. That makes 4. I know! He's awesome.
I just love it when it all comes together.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Happy New Year!
I've felt a little exposed ever since that last post, but I think that's a good thing. Its something I want to get more comfortable with, that is just looking into my soul and being honest with what's there, rediscovering my own voice. I reread what I said about motherhood and realized I sounded kinda harsh and bitter about it. NOT what I really mean at all. Of course, there are so many joys in being a mom, and it is truly a very high calling. One thing on "the list" this year is to remember to be mindful, present for those moments as they come, and they truly are so frequent. To remember to hear their hearts in those difficult moments, as I remember to listen to my own. Remember how fragile our souls can be whether we are under age 10 or over 35. To really make those heart connections with each of my wee ones. I think what I meant was, that I want to get underneath the should's and guilt of super high expectations, standards and stereotypes, and be myself, heart and soul in my mothering and in the other things I want to do. And remember to see my children's heart and soul as they are too.
Hubby and I had an awesome, and pretty intense talk last night in the last minutes of 2008, in response to the simple question "What do you want in 2009?" I gave voice to my fears of not being able to mesh my desires for more creative freedom, freedom in general with the demands of family life, and how it made me feel sad and anxious, believing there will have to be a choice at some point. As in, be the full on committed mom, OR let some of that go and concentrate on developing this other side of me. And true to form, ever my hero, the hero looked at me as if I were crazy, and said Do it. Do it all, because you can. There is no either-or here, he convinced me. After all, its only babysteps we're talking. I'm not throwing everyone into full time day care and disappearing from everyone's lives. I wasn't sure how everyone would feel, knowing I'm planning to be more "me" than I've allowed myself to be, and not just "mom". I'm not even sure what that will end up looking like, but I'm sure glad I will have a soft and cozy spot to land, wherever that will be.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
cabin fever hit me hard
I actually ran away for a few hours today. I honestly had just had enough of the incessant demands, questions and bickering, so I called for my hero, in tears, and he saved me like he always does. I disappeared into the city for some urban and retail therapy. I am having a hard time figuring out how to make this internal shift from what I've been told I need to be in order to be a "good mother", especially according to the peer pressure of the "good Christian women" portrayed in every Christian parenting book and magazine I've read since becoming a mom almost 10 years ago. I think I might not be able to fit that mode after all, and it scares me, and makes me mad that I even have that mentalimage to live up to. I need to find my way back to what I would have done had I never read any of that stuff. As in BE MYSELF, instead of living up to some ideal, always fulfilled with diapers, cooking and housework because its for the glory of God kind of thing, some kind of momma-zen BS. Of course, it CAN be that way. I keep hearing about it. I just get really, really tired of how small my world has become. Can I just say that I am BORED with "just" this? I am making good (mental) plans to move toward my dream(s), but don't feel ready to share them, for fear they will lose some power once spoken of. But, it does involve a lot of classroom time and a lot of money and often involves the abbreviation "U".
Ok, so here goes nothing.
your needs are so strong,
crushing me, i fear sometimes.
taking flight, i stay.
old aches still haunt me
i feel the whispered pain of
you not choosing me
There! 2 haikus that make me want to run and hide! Now, family and friends, please do not ask me what these poems mean, or make me explain them in any way. And no worrying about me because I put these things out there. Please just let them speak for themselves, otherwise I will be tempted not to try this raw honesty thing. I'm fine, promise. :)
Until next time, toodles...
(you have no idea that act of will it actually took for me to click "publish" on this post)
Ok, so here goes nothing.
your needs are so strong,
crushing me, i fear sometimes.
taking flight, i stay.
old aches still haunt me
i feel the whispered pain of
you not choosing me
There! 2 haikus that make me want to run and hide! Now, family and friends, please do not ask me what these poems mean, or make me explain them in any way. And no worrying about me because I put these things out there. Please just let them speak for themselves, otherwise I will be tempted not to try this raw honesty thing. I'm fine, promise. :)
Until next time, toodles...
(you have no idea that act of will it actually took for me to click "publish" on this post)
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Beginning
As I start this post, I am a bit anxious to share it with you. As I mentioned before, I've been feeling very introspective lately, daring to peek at my old dreams, listening to the whispers of my heart. As the year ends, and another begins, my birthday approaches, and I'm trying not to be alarmed at the number that will soon be mine. (37!? really?) I'm tempted to say I'm getting too old to start any big, new dreams, or to hide behind the excuse of motherhood. But, there are things I want to do (list coming soon), ways to "be" that have eluded me to this point, mainly because of my fears of putting myself out there, the pull of the mundane routines of life keeping me from reaching for those new things, and perhaps some fear of success. I feel funny putting this all up on the blog, since I know mostly only my closest friends and family are reading this. Will you all be shocked to know "this or that" about me if I start taking my writing seriously, and put "that" out there? What if I fail? What if I tell you all I want to do something so badly, and then I don't do it...will you all think badly of me? (there she goes again!) Of course, I realize these are just my own fears talking, the thoughts I know I will have if I actually try the creative, writing, photographing, spiritual, searching life I want...and fail.
But how can there be failure? Hasn't God made me with these wishes and dreams? And 37 with 4 kids, and a very busy "normal" life? I know I will regret it one day if I let it all go by, only getting older, and one day I'll think 37 was so young and why didn't I just do it? Like everything else, I'll have to approach this with babysteps. Write a little every day, and who cares if its any good? (me) Take the photos, and again who cares? (me) Make the blog a little more artistic, more raw and honest soul stuff, and just see what happens. (yikes) I'm so so SO excited that I've signed up for a writing class AND a photography class starting in January. My wonderful hubby has given me 3 full Saturdays in a row to take the photography class. And 8 weeks of Thursday night writing. I think the structure of the classes will be a good kick in the pants for me, when its so easy to let these things fall by the wayside when life pushes in. But, the time is set aside and paid for, so I know for sure it will happen. And maybe, just maybe it will be enough of a shove to get the momentum going.
I've found so much inspiration lately on the new blogs I've posted in the side bar, and by wading into the favorite blog lists THEY list. So many amazing, creative, soul feeding blogs out there! And so many women longing for the same thing, creative freedom, belief in one's own voice and stories, and time to just be truly ourselves, all the while maintaining the needs of our regular life, and tending to those we love. Spend some time with these amazing women, wade into those blog rolls, and see if you don't start feeling some new creative stirrings!
Here's an incredible idea, from Jen Lee. I am very cautiously, gently wading in to this project. No pressure! (I say to myself) Watch the video she has there about "The Portfolio Project" For me it will just be about getting into the habit about creating something, anything every day, (and not feeling guilty if I don't). Just making space in my mind and soul, telling myself YES! There is time for this. I can do this. In fact, its already part of me. I just need to let it out.
By the way, on a technical note, I don't know what's up with the font size on this post. I've tried publishing twice now and I keep getting a mixture of sizes. Is this the first joke on me? Yep, its not perfect. Ok. :)
Hope you are all having a lovely holiday week!
But how can there be failure? Hasn't God made me with these wishes and dreams? And 37 with 4 kids, and a very busy "normal" life? I know I will regret it one day if I let it all go by, only getting older, and one day I'll think 37 was so young and why didn't I just do it? Like everything else, I'll have to approach this with babysteps. Write a little every day, and who cares if its any good? (me) Take the photos, and again who cares? (me) Make the blog a little more artistic, more raw and honest soul stuff, and just see what happens. (yikes) I'm so so SO excited that I've signed up for a writing class AND a photography class starting in January. My wonderful hubby has given me 3 full Saturdays in a row to take the photography class. And 8 weeks of Thursday night writing. I think the structure of the classes will be a good kick in the pants for me, when its so easy to let these things fall by the wayside when life pushes in. But, the time is set aside and paid for, so I know for sure it will happen. And maybe, just maybe it will be enough of a shove to get the momentum going.
I've found so much inspiration lately on the new blogs I've posted in the side bar, and by wading into the favorite blog lists THEY list. So many amazing, creative, soul feeding blogs out there! And so many women longing for the same thing, creative freedom, belief in one's own voice and stories, and time to just be truly ourselves, all the while maintaining the needs of our regular life, and tending to those we love. Spend some time with these amazing women, wade into those blog rolls, and see if you don't start feeling some new creative stirrings!
Here's an incredible idea, from Jen Lee. I am very cautiously, gently wading in to this project. No pressure! (I say to myself) Watch the video she has there about "The Portfolio Project" For me it will just be about getting into the habit about creating something, anything every day, (and not feeling guilty if I don't). Just making space in my mind and soul, telling myself YES! There is time for this. I can do this. In fact, its already part of me. I just need to let it out.
By the way, on a technical note, I don't know what's up with the font size on this post. I've tried publishing twice now and I keep getting a mixture of sizes. Is this the first joke on me? Yep, its not perfect. Ok. :)
Hope you are all having a lovely holiday week!
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