Dabbling

I promise I won't just keep blabbing on and on about myself (or maybe I will, considering its a blog and all), but ai, ai, ai! A combination of a family visit, having the kiddos home full time and a major case of the hormones this week has completely kicked my creative arse. So, I thought I'd share these things with you, and see if they might resonate with you too. So without further ado:

5 Things I’m Dabbling In, am Curious About, and Trying out Just for Kicks and Grins:

Meditating:

This is something that kind of weirded me out forever. I come from a very traditional Christian background, and anything that smacked of “woo” was definitely frowned upon. But actually, most, if not all spiritual traditions have a strong foundation in meditation, in stillness, and contemplation. As you know, I went to a meditation retreat a few weeks ago, and it felt like coming home. You know that feeling of satisfaction when you slide the right puzzle pieces together and it thumps in together just right? Yeah, its like that. Its more challenging than you’d imagine, “just” sitting there breathing. But its changing me in many mysterious ways. I’m more calm, much more centered. I didn’t even really know what “centered” meant before, I just chalked it up to another “woo” word. But centered is good. Very, very good. As in, the opposite of scattered. I've just joined a local meditation group, and I'm happy to have found it.

Veganism:

I’m coining a phrase: Non-militant Vegan. That’s me. Which means cheating allowed. For now anyway. I have to approach any major change with the tiniest babysteps, and I have to allow myself to “cheat” at any time. Otherwise, I know I won’t try. For the last several years, I’ve started to have more and more weird, wonky health symptoms, digestive stuff, and I won’t get into the details, lest it be TMI, and we don’t know each other that well yet. After reading “The Kind Diet” , and loving it, I decided to try to reboot my system by eating super clean for 2 weeks. And what do you know? It totally worked. I feel really good, tummy issues gone, BAM. Now I’m a bit puzzled about what to do. Not sure if I want to ask my family to join me, but I don’t really want to cook a separate meal for myself all the time either. Hmmm…(advice welcome!)

Morning Pages:

This is something I’ve done in the past, and I always love it when I’m doing it, then eventually I stop for whatever reason. The wonderful, and always inspiring Julia Cameron recommends writing 3 long hand pages of writing first thing in the morning, a “brain dump” as she calls it. It is totally helping me keep the creative wheels spinning, and gives me room to pray, whine, hope and ruminate all over the page. Oh, and Moleskine. Best. Journal. Evah!


Twitter: I know, I know, I’m totally late to this party train. I’m amazed at how many amazingly awesome people are just right there to connect with, and I’m not talking about the famous ones. I’m talking about YOU, and all the other sparkly and brilliant people doing amazing things in their ordinary lives. I’m having fun connecting with my new tribe.

Anais Nin: Holy Moly! How did I miss her all these years? Yes, she's a complete and total liar, an unabashed lover of love, and “rules” be damned , but boy howdy do I ever like her. She’s just totally herself without apology. How very refreshing! And OH! The writing! Swoon.

Tell me, tell me, what is interesting you these days? What are you playing around with? How are you stretching your wings?

Found Art Friday, in Gratitude

Its Friday, can you believe it? Even more unbelievable to me is that the sun finally decided to show her sweet face in my neighborhood! Hooray! I know many of you have been dying of heat for the past several days, but we had the first day over 75 degrees in 271 days. *sigh* But, for all my complaining, I truly have my every need taken care of. For that I am so thankful.

This week's Found Art Flyer comes to you from my friend Stefanie Renee. We met when we shared a ride with the world's most awesome cab driver, Leo, on our way to Squam last September. We remained Squam BFF's for the weekend, and I'm so proud to call her my friend. Stefanie is an amazing photographer and is making some big leaps into her living her creative dreams. Please send her lots of love, courage and joy vibes as you post this amazing photo around your town.

And please do participate in The Project! Remember to print the flyer and tuck it into library books, leave it on the empty seat on the bus, post it on the community bulletin board. Anywhere you think someone would enjoy finding a little love note from the universe. And please, submit your own work to be featured! Any kind of visual art or short (very short) story will be considered. Just check out the submission guidelines to the right for the details.

We have family visiting from out of town right now, so today's post is short and sweet. Hope your weekend feels long and glorious! xoxo

Its All in the Numbers

I’m 38 and 1/4 years old, which means there’s only 1 year and 3/4s left until I’m 40. I’m trying not to let it bother me, but it does. I hope I have more time left than I’ve already been given. Much more. I’ve been the same size, 6 ½ shoe, 5’2 and approximately 105 pounds give or take a pound or two since I was 14, in the 8th grade. I’ve lived in 5 different states, at 17 different addresses. I’ve traveled to 47 states and 5 different countries. 3 boys have made me cry, and one has only ever made me smile. I’ve been married for 13 years, but really its 15. I’ve had 6 pregnancies, 4 children, ages 4,6, 8 and 10, 3 girls and 1 boy and 2 angels.

Growing up, I tried out for approximately 4 sports teams, and 1 cheerleading squad, making the team exactly zero times. I was a writer, a reader, a friend, an avid youth group attender, but an athlete I was not. I’ve kept a journal since I was in 4th grade, age 10 or so. There’s an unknown number of volumes, and they are kept in several different boxes scattered about my 1400 square foot, 3 bedroom house situated on 1.9 acres, approximately 30 miles East of Seattle. I’ve often thought of burning them, "the evidence", but I just can’t bring myself to do it. It’s who I was, how I got here, and it’s my story like it or not. I wish I could say it was more about my wishes and dreams, and less about the boys who’ve come and gone, (and one who’s stayed) but that would be a lie. More and more as I find my voice, the more I write, the more I connect, the less its about them, and more about me, about the world, about possibility, change and wonderment. It’s evidence that I was human through and through, in case my children ever need any proof. It’s proof that I was here. I’m here.

I had 20/20 vision last I checked, though I do sport the old lady reading glasses now and again these days, which make me feel chic, hip and old all at the same time. I think my style and power has been improving over the past few years so that’s encouraging at least. Or perhaps I’m just withdrawing from society’s ideals, so really I’m looking weirder and weirder, and no one is telling me anymore. I’m ok with that.

When I’m doing as I “should” I like to do yoga 4 or 5 days a week. I like to write every day and am doing so currently, but I expect to fall off the wagon soon, since its what I always do. But, I’m ok with that too. I’ve learned that another wagon is always just around the corner, and I can hop back on at any time. I like to pray to Jesus, and meditate to calm my mind that can be 100 different places at once until I count my breath to 10 over and over again for at least 10 minutes. I like to sleep about 9 or 10 hours a day, but really I only sleep about 8, which I’m thankful for, (having just come off of being pregnant and/or nursing for the last 10 years or so, with only a few months break here and there) but I’m always slightly tired. I like to take naps, but don’t,(not that often, anyway) but I have a rule that my children must take naps until they are 5 which helps me much more than them.

I yell at my children more often than I’d like to admit, which is not daily but more than weekly and is worse at certain times of the month than others. I think about, and fear death every day, not in a terrible morbid way, but as a passing thought, someday I won’t be here kind of way, and I feel sad because the world is really so very wonderful and I’ll miss it so.

I’m hoping for 5 but will settle for 3 mornings a week off from my 24/7 mothering duties in the fall, in which to write, do yoga and connect to myself and to God. And to put a dent in the several loads of laundry I need to do every week just to stay on top of it.

I want the number of books I’ve read to go from countless to even more countless. I want the number of books I’ve written to go from none to some, the number of countries I’ve visited from 5 to over 100, and the number of friends, both in real life and online to go from few to many. I want the number of minutes spent praying, writing, meditating, serving and loving to far outweigh the number of minutes I spend doing anything else.

I want the hours I spend being content each day to number 24.

5 Things

Its time I had a revealing talk with you about myself. I’m not exactly sure how to go about having a get to know you conversation in this rather one sided medium, so I’ll start with a list of 5.

5 Things I’m loving right now:

An incredible influx of new friends, both in real life, and online. This means you! It’s amazing what happens when you open your heart. For this introvert, it’s a brand new feeling of connection, possibility, community, and love. If you haven't said hi yet, find me on Facebook and/or Twitter!

Writing every day: I joined Bindu Wiles 215800 project which is a commitment to doing yoga 5 days a week, and writing 800 words everyday for 21 days. It only takes 21 days to make a habit . (Fingers crossed!) I’m loving learning that the time IS there if I only say yes to it. That words will come if I just start writing. That my family, “the universe” (aka God), and even you guys will support it! Hooray! I just had to sit down and DO it. Easy! (?)

Doing Yoga Everyday: Ditto above. I feel good, open, sore, and most of all really, really thankful to see that if I set my mind to DO something (not just wish or “should” myself) it totally happens. Actually, it is easy. What do you know, there’s time after all!

Listening to the rain as I fall asleep: I’m getting LOTS of practice with this one. This is one of the rainiest, coldest Spring/Summers that I can remember, and I live in SEATTLE, peeps, so that is saying something. I’m learning to practice being content with the weather and the lovely gifts it can bring, even whilst admittedly being grumpy about it. I’m practicing, not perfecting, remember? Anyhoo, I do love listening to the rain as it drizzles through the forest, knowing my dearest loves are all tucked in safe and sound nearby. I take the time to dream, to pray, to breathe in the silence.

Reading: I honestly wish I had a whole extra day at the end of each day in which to simply read. There are just so many amazing words and ideas, I wish I could just absorb them all. When I read, I can never only read one book at a time. I have a pile of at least 3 and often up to 10 or more going at one time. Currently, I have my eyes on: Mary Oliver, Anais Nin, David Sedaris, Anne Lamott, Karen Maezen Miller, and Joseph Campbell. There are many, many more that I can’t wait to get my hands on.

I wish I could sit across a table from each and every one of you, and learn what you're loving right now. I once heard someone say that it was his goal to meet every single person on the planet. Wouldn't that be interesting! I'd settle for meeting all of you. Tell me, what are you loving right now? Are you giving yourself permission to indulge in the things you love? Are you making time for them? I'd love to hear about what you're loving, either in the comments or leave a trackback to your blog.

Happy Monday everyone!

Found Art Friday, In Which We Remember to Play

I will not play at tug ' war.
I'd rather play at hug o' war.
Where everyone hugs
Instead of tugs,
Where everyone giggles
And rolls on the rug.
Where everyone kisses,
And everyone grins,
And everyone cuddles,
And everyone wins.

~Shel Silverstein, Where the Sidewalk Ends

Hello everyone, and happiest of Fridays to you. Congratulations, you did it! You rocked your week, AGAIN. :) I love the poem above from Shel Silverstein. I love ALL the poems from Shel Silverstein. I remember curling up with Where the Sidewalk Ends in my little reading corner in my room, consisting of a giant bean bag chair, a couple dozen stuffed animals and a ginormous stuffed gorilla my dad gave me for Christmas one year. He was one of my earliest literary influences, (Shel Silverstein, not the ginormous gorilla, though he was a happy influence on me as well.) and I love that he is all about kindness, gentleness, compassion and play. I hope you will find lots of people to play hug o'war with this weekend!

I was so excited when I received this from the amazing Emma. Look at her awesome idea! She left it completely open to encourage us and those who find it to color and play. Her quote was "Coloring is Fun!", and she is totally right! How many places can you think of to tuck this little spark of joy-filled fun into your community for some unsuspecting souls to find?




This weekend, I encourage you to remember what made you feel cozy, loved, inspired and joyful when you were a child? Is there a way to find bits and pieces of those experiences today? Also, watch and see what really fills up the love-well of those around you. What makes THEM feel cozy, loved, inspired and joyful? Fill up your well, and then, once you're overflowing, spill some love on your favorite people too.

Have a wonderful weekend! And big love to all the dads out there!

See you Monday!

PS My son is feeling much better! Thank you for the all the kind wishes! :)

Night Duty

The sun rises early in Seattle these days. 3:45am to be exact. I know because at 3:07 am on Sunday morning my son crept into my room, croaking: “Momma…I can’t breathe,” followed by the low, raspy sounds that I’ve come to recognize at once as a mother. My son has Pneumonia. Again. It’s the 3^rd time this year. 4 years ago, his lungs were damaged from a bout with RSV, and his doctor warned us this would happen often. Someday, he’ll outgrow it.

But on that night, in that moment, my momma superpowers must return:

I calmly but purposefully get out of bed with amazing clarity of mind considering the hour, and am even able to find my bathrobe instantly amidst many loads of laundry left undone. I am able to find not just my bathrobe, but two…another to wrap my boy in as I whisk him outside into the cold, healing night air. I deftly grab his favorite blanket off the couch as we head out the door to sit on a small wooden bench on the back patio. We live well outside the city limits, and we are alone with the sounds of his wheezing, the darkness of the night hanging heavily in the air, and the miracle of a canopy of stars. We sit in silence for many moments, his breathing becoming normal, his body twisting awkwardly in my lap trying to get comfortable. He’s almost outgrown it.

“Mom, I can only see two stars,” he says. “Just wait”, I say, “Your eyes will get used to it, and you may have to look past the trees.” We live surrounded by the famed tall cedars of the northwest, and they cast a formidable shadow.

Soon, the magic of this moment is fully revealed. “Mom!” he rasps, “I see 4…5…6..!” He keeps counting until he realizes the futility of his effort. We revel in wonder as the night air continues to heal my boy, and open our hearts.

And then, almost imperceptibly, the first streak of dawn arrives. And instantly, magically, a bird sings the first melody of the day. Another calls back. And within moments the forest around us is wide awake. We get the feeling all the birds are frantically calling for each other, finding their friends, getting their bearings, making sure they are not alone.

My boy and I snuggle up tighter under the blanket for a few moments longer, both of us giggling at the thought of the birds talking to one another in such animated voices at such an ungodly hour. But, actually, “ungodly” is the furthest thing from the truth of this moment.

For now, my son is healed, breathing easy. We have seen the miracle of another day arrive, so early this time of year. And I am reminded of just how much of the magic of life I am sleeping through. To be honest, I can’t tell you with a straight face that I will ever adopt the practice of waking with the sun. (Except in December when the sun comes up at 8:00am.) But, in that moment, my son and I were totally and completely engaged with the ultimate NOW. The warmth of each other snuggled together under the handmade blanket, the smell of his hair mixed with nighttime forest air, the surprise of hidden stars, and the busy calls of the creatures who share our forest with us fill our souls with contentment not easily found in the light of day.

If I truly wake up, I’ll be able to see that every moment is just as magical as this. Miracles of life and breath, of abundance, of connection with souls I hold dear both near and far. The miracle of technology which allows you and I to “meet” each day, this internet that’s become our global water cooler, allowing us to find our tribe flung far and wide.

The magic is always there. When I turn my attention to those things that bring me peace, I am never disappointed to find that they are always there waiting for me to notice, to remember, to savor.

My eyes just have to get used to the light (and darkness) of each day.

Keep a special eye out today for the magic in your life. Find ways to bless someone when they least expect it.

Be the magic.

Attention!

Over the weekend, I had the immense pleasure of spending the day with one of my favorite authors, Karen Maezen Miller. She is every bit as gentle and wise in person as she is in print and online. 33 other women and I spent the day away from family, responsibility, and the pressure of everyday life. She spoke directly to us, eye to eye, heart to heart about what it means to be a mother, a.k.a. what it means to be human. She showed us how to tune in when you’d really rather not, how to bring Spirit and meaning to each moment by simply bringing your attention to the here and now, by the ultimate act of faith : to breathe in and let go. To trust that there is enough. Enough time, enough love, enough energy to face whatever demands your attention. After all, its truly only one thing at a time.

I’ll likely be sharing many things I learned from my day at The Mother’s Plunge over the next few weeks, but one thing that Karen said that is swirling around and around in my mind is this:

“Whatever you bring your attention to will flourish.”

Uh, oh.

I’d love to be able to say I’m paying the most attention to my children, to my smokin’ hot husband, to my writing, to consistently making my house spic and span, to my faith.

But really I’m paying attention to:

A) Facebook, and other screen time distractions.

B) Keeping up with my family schedule, and how busy I always feel, irritated that I don’t have more time for myself.

C) Making plans for the future or longing for the past, where I believe freedom really lies.

D) Avoiding housework, or spending real “face time” with my kids. When I know that if I just sit down (or stand up, whatever is the opposite of what I’m doing at the moment), the tension of undone housework and needy children will simply melt away.

“Whatever you bring your attention to will flourish.” Hmm, let’s see…

Let’s start with the first one:

A)Spending too much time online= less time for my real life. Which leads to:

B)I’m too busy, not enough time for “me”. Which leads to:

C) Longing for the past, or making plans for the future, where freedom surely lies. Anywhere but here, please. Which leads to:

D) Resenting and avoiding the things that really need my attention, and if only I would pay attention, I would have more peace.

Hmmm… something is flourishing here, but it ain't peace.

Sounds like I need to start paying attention to the things that I actually WANT to flourish.

Yeah. Ouch.

Here’s where I usually start the dreaded should/guilt cycle. It goes a little something like this:
I really should stop being on Facebook so much. I really should spend more time playing with my kids. Should, Should, Should. Blah, blah, blah. Not helpful . At. All.

I literally spent years “shoulding” on myself every day, and its something I’m still working with. The thing is, there is no should. There are things I want to do. And sometimes I don’t do them. Period. It’s always my choice, and as long as I'm still breathing, I have another moment in which to choose. MY choice, always. Ahh, total freedom.

Choose what your priorities are for today. Gently, easily and without pressure to perform perfectly. Simply sit down (or stand up) and DO them. What you pay attention to will flourish. But remember, more "shoulds”= more guilt. Perhaps what Yoda really meant was: “Do or do not. There is no should.”

So, let’s try that again. These are my priorities today:
-Practice writing, 800 words.
-Practice my yoga.
-Practice keeping my computer closed most of the day. (she wrote, cringing)
-Practice making lots of eye and smile contact with my children. Listen more, direct less. Let them teach me how to play again.
-Practice my household routine that gets a basic amount of housework done that helps me to feel more peaceful and free.
-Practice forgiving myself if I don’t do any of the above perfectly.

There is enough time, enough freedom, enough energy, enough YOU for today. Choose what you attend to wisely, gently. And remember, babysteps are welcome, and will get you anywhere if you don’t stop stepping.