cabin fever hit me hard

I actually ran away for a few hours today. I honestly had just had enough of the incessant demands, questions and bickering, so I called for my hero, in tears, and he saved me like he always does. I disappeared into the city for some urban and retail therapy. I am having a hard time figuring out how to make this internal shift from what I've been told I need to be in order to be a "good mother", especially according to the peer pressure of the "good Christian women" portrayed in every Christian parenting book and magazine I've read since becoming a mom almost 10 years ago. I think I might not be able to fit that mode after all, and it scares me, and makes me mad that I even have that mentalimage to live up to. I need to find my way back to what I would have done had I never read any of that stuff. As in BE MYSELF, instead of living up to some ideal, always fulfilled with diapers, cooking and housework because its for the glory of God kind of thing, some kind of momma-zen BS. Of course, it CAN be that way. I keep hearing about it. I just get really, really tired of how small my world has become. Can I just say that I am BORED with "just" this? I am making good (mental) plans to move toward my dream(s), but don't feel ready to share them, for fear they will lose some power once spoken of. But, it does involve a lot of classroom time and a lot of money and often involves the abbreviation "U".

Ok, so here goes nothing.

your needs are so strong,
crushing me, i fear sometimes.
taking flight, i stay.

old aches still haunt me
i feel the whispered pain of
you not choosing me

There! 2 haikus that make me want to run and hide! Now, family and friends, please do not ask me what these poems mean, or make me explain them in any way. And no worrying about me because I put these things out there. Please just let them speak for themselves, otherwise I will be tempted not to try this raw honesty thing. I'm fine, promise. :)

Until next time, toodles...

(you have no idea that act of will it actually took for me to click "publish" on this post)

Beginning

As I start this post, I am a bit anxious to share it with you. As I mentioned before, I've been feeling very introspective lately, daring to peek at my old dreams, listening to the whispers of my heart. As the year ends, and another begins, my birthday approaches, and I'm trying not to be alarmed at the number that will soon be mine. (37!? really?) I'm tempted to say I'm getting too old to start any big, new dreams, or to hide behind the excuse of motherhood. But, there are things I want to do (list coming soon), ways to "be" that have eluded me to this point, mainly because of my fears of putting myself out there, the pull of the mundane routines of life keeping me from reaching for those new things, and perhaps some fear of success. I feel funny putting this all up on the blog, since I know mostly only my closest friends and family are reading this. Will you all be shocked to know "this or that" about me if I start taking my writing seriously, and put "that" out there? What if I fail? What if I tell you all I want to do something so badly, and then I don't do it...will you all think badly of me? (there she goes again!) Of course, I realize these are just my own fears talking, the thoughts I know I will have if I actually try the creative, writing, photographing, spiritual, searching life I want...and fail.

But how can there be failure? Hasn't God made me with these wishes and dreams? And 37 with 4 kids, and a very busy "normal" life? I know I will regret it one day if I let it all go by, only getting older, and one day I'll think 37 was so young and why didn't I just do it? Like everything else, I'll have to approach this with babysteps. Write a little every day, and who cares if its any good? (me) Take the photos, and again who cares? (me) Make the blog a little more artistic, more raw and honest soul stuff, and just see what happens. (yikes) I'm so so SO excited that I've signed up for a writing class AND a photography class starting in January. My wonderful hubby has given me 3 full Saturdays in a row to take the photography class. And 8 weeks of Thursday night writing. I think the structure of the classes will be a good kick in the pants for me, when its so easy to let these things fall by the wayside when life pushes in. But, the time is set aside and paid for, so I know for sure it will happen. And maybe, just maybe it will be enough of a shove to get the momentum going.

I've found so much inspiration lately on the new blogs I've posted in the side bar, and by wading into the favorite blog lists THEY list. So many amazing, creative, soul feeding blogs out there! And so many women longing for the same thing, creative freedom, belief in one's own voice and stories, and time to just be truly ourselves, all the while maintaining the needs of our regular life, and tending to those we love. Spend some time with these amazing women, wade into those blog rolls, and see if you don't start feeling some new creative stirrings!

Here's an incredible idea, from Jen Lee. I am very cautiously, gently wading in to this project. No pressure! (I say to myself) Watch the video she has there about "The Portfolio Project" For me it will just be about getting into the habit about creating something, anything every day, (and not feeling guilty if I don't). Just making space in my mind and soul, telling myself YES! There is time for this. I can do this. In fact, its already part of me. I just need to let it out.

By the way, on a technical note, I don't know what's up with the font size on this post. I've tried publishing twice now and I keep getting a mixture of sizes. Is this the first joke on me? Yep, its not perfect. Ok. :)

Hope you are all having a lovely holiday week!

Snow Days

Oh, the weather outside is frightful...




You know the rest. Delightful.

Merry Christmas...and so it begins.

Our boy made his recital debut tonight at his preschool Christmas program. There are no words to describe how cute it was. Hubby and I both teared up.















I'm pretty sure I experienced heart bursting joy tonight.

Winter Traditions

I'd call it Christmas traditions, but that's not really what this post is about. Its about my annual look at myself that seems to happen about this time of year. Not sure if its because its the end of a year and the start of another, or if its the cozy, Northwest winter settling in, or what. But it happens every year. I suppose you could say I start to think of New Year's Resolutions, but I don't think of them that way. Its like I start to peel off the layers of my heart and soul and remember little bits and pieces of myself that I've forgotten. I remember that I want to be really connected to each of my kids hearts, and not just managing the group, and our collective schedules and needs.



I remember that I want to not just be a "Christian" but to actually have a relationship with Christ, His Word, and live in quiet, mindful contemplation of the awesome-ness of the fact that that is even possible. I remember that I'm a good writer, and I could do a lot more with that if I just sit down and do it. I remember that I like good books, and feel better when I know there's one waiting for me on my bedside table. I want to be creative and free to be "me" and not just "mom", though that is a wonderful part of being me. I feel myself daring to peek at the dusty, cobwebbed corners of my mind where I've tucked my wildest dreams and some ordinary ones too. So, here's to my winter tradition of discovering myself, all over again.

Insert Angelic 12 Part Harmony Chorus Here

Can you hear it? My big photography moment has arrived! My fabulous hubby got me (ok, I got myself) a brand spankin' new, digital SLR camera, yep, just like Pioneer Woman's, for an early Christmas present! I've been so inspired by all the amazing photography on the blogs I love to visit, that I decided to take the plunge into "real" photography.

"HAAL-LE-LU-JAH" (there they are again)...



I'll be glad to give credit where credit's due, notice the little www.kenrockwell.com byline on the camera picture. He's got a fabulous website on all things camera and photography and I'm sure I'll be there often, learning what the heck all the bells and whistles on this thing do!
Oh my, do I have a lot to learn!!

Here are a few of my first shots..


Nothing too fancy yet, but I'm having fun!

Aside from that, I've been having a wonderful time connecting with old friends on facebook as I mentioned. Its been so great to "see" these people who literally make up my history. I will try to get back to blogging more often now, especially now that I have my new toy!

I can't believe Christmas is only a few weeks away! I need to get crackin' on shopping, crafting, decorating, baking, etc! Oooh, I'm thinking lots of photo opportunities!!