Wednesday, January 28, 2009

I'm still here

Hello again!  Aye, yi, yi has it been a long time!  And this post isn't going to be very exciting, just a check in so you'll know I haven't given up blogging for good!  After the flood, I immediately got sick for several days, followed by the family, and THEN my computer crashed, losing all my photos from the past couple of years, and all of my writing that I had started getting serious about.  *sigh*  Oddly, I'm not ginormously upset about it.  I think that with our techie friends I will be able to retrieve most of it when we get a chance to fiddle with it.  I've gotten out of the new habits I was starting to form with daily writing/creativity time, even checking those awesome blogs I've listed over to the side.  I was really on a roll there, and then I came to a grinding halt...or maybe I was just tumbling down off the side of the road onto another hectic road at the bottom of the hill.   Still ,doing a lot of internal navigation that I'm not really ready to put into words, so often times I'm just stewing these days.  I did start my photography class, and I'm learning so much so quickly!  Yay!  I was just about to post my newly improved photography skills when...crash goes the hard drive. 

So, look for me back again soon, when I get more words and images to share, and oh yes, my thoughts too.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

We interrupt this program...

To bring you the latest news, weather...Seriously folks, its bad out there! We live in the Snoqualmie Valley, about 30 minutes east of Seattle, and we have been experiencing record flooding in our neighborhood! Thankfully, our home is out of harm's way, but many, many people are suffering great losses, homes, farms, entire livelihoods gone in a few hours. Please pray and send all the love you can to the people of our valley.

My amazing husband had to find an open bike trail 10 miles away and ride his way home today after getting literally locked out of our town yesterday morning, as all roads in or out were suddenly underwater. I thought we wouldn't see him for a few more days, and I was so surprised and thankful when he arrived soaked and muddy from his long trail ride. We will probably be on our own private island for at least another 24 hours. Much better now that we are ALL home together.

On a lighter note, I just wanted to point you to this AMAZING video I found hidden in a link over at Jen Lemen's place. This song made me feel so happy and hopeful, and it felt like it was just for me, perfect for where I find myself these days. Maybe its just for you too.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

inner child, hear me roar (or whisper)

I have had the most amazing time lately reconnecting with old friends via facebook . Yesterday, someone posted this, amazing picture circa 1981, or third grade for me.

Several of us who have not spoken for at least 20 years began to have an animated online chat about the awesomeness of this picture. Look at us! Most of us seemed to think we were really something else. I'm the one thinking I'm hilarious doing bunny ears behind my good friend Amber. We were about to go swimming at the ultra hip and happening, brand new "Holidome" Holiday Inn indoor pool. There we are, our "inner child" staring us back in the face. There we are holding one another's histories in our shared memories. Our entire lives ahead of us, about to discover all kinds of interesting things about life, love, heartbreak, and all that we are capable of, both good and, well, not so good. We have all ended up in very different places, geographically being the least of these, though we are scattered all over the country. Some we haven't seen since school, some we don't recognize at all, having been completely forgotten.

I see some of us with sad, shy eyes peeking out from their 8 year old faces. Some of us thinking we are all that and a bag of chips. And don't we all have days of feeling sad and shy, and some days that feeling of "yeah, look at me, I'm awesome". I just looked at myself, and remembered how I was then. Pretty much fearless, always wanting learn more, read more, dance, act, write, sculpt, you name it, I was up for it. Oh, and I had a pretty good sense of humor too, as you can see from my HILARIOUS bunny ears. :) You know what, I'm still tempted to do bunny ears behind people when I get the chance, because you have to admit, it IS kind of funny.

I'm just feeling amazed at the timing, and thankful for this glimpse of "Me", before anything else was defining me. My role back then was just to be myself and allow myself to play and become whoever I was meant to be. Note to self: More Bunny Ears!!

Monday, January 5, 2009

sign posts

Isn't it cool when life keeps sending you messages that say YES! You are on the right track. I've been reading Julia Cameron's The Sound of Paper (and can I just say that I love Julia Cameron!) and came across this, regarding a writing friend who found it difficult to live and create under her current circumstances:

"It is difficult to commit to living where we are , how we are. It is difficult and it is necessary. In order to make art [or thrive in anything, I believe], we must first make an artful life, a life rich enough and diverse enough to give us fuel. We must strive to see the beauty in where we are planted, even if we are planted somewhere that feels very foreign to our nature...If we are not willing to work this way, we become victims. If we become victims, we first become choiceless and then become voiceless. Our art dries up at the root. We must, as the elders advise us, bloom where we are planted."

Ummm, anyone else notice what is printed directly under the title of my blog up there? Yep. I've been trying to remind myself of this for awhile now. As I begin to give myself permission to just do and "be" the things I want to do and be, there is this tension I feel too. Like there's a tension of everything I am, and everything around me that I want to blame for keeping me away from doing and being these things. But, really, I know that's not the real problem. Really, I quite love my life, being a wife and mom. But how to add this other thing in seems to be the trick for me. Then I head on over to Jen Lee's, and what do you know, she's talking about this exact thing! That we'll find a lot of reasons why we can't, which is usually just a front for the real reason, which is usually based in fear, or just IS fear. Still, I'm toodling along, writing even a teeny, tiny little bit each day, making a list of supplies to get for more toodling (art toodling, supplies for which I have exactly none) and oh yeah, I need to get that new fancy camera out again. My writing class got postponed, but I am going to an all day workshop this Saturday which came up just as the class got postponed (more signs). And my wonderful husband gave up ANOTHER Saturday this month so I can do it. That makes 4. I know! He's awesome.

I just love it when it all comes together.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Happy New Year!

I've felt a little exposed ever since that last post, but I think that's a good thing. Its something I want to get more comfortable with, that is just looking into my soul and being honest with what's there, rediscovering my own voice. I reread what I said about motherhood and realized I sounded kinda harsh and bitter about it. NOT what I really mean at all. Of course, there are so many joys in being a mom, and it is truly a very high calling. One thing on "the list" this year is to remember to be mindful, present for those moments as they come, and they truly are so frequent. To remember to hear their hearts in those difficult moments, as I remember to listen to my own. Remember how fragile our souls can be whether we are under age 10 or over 35. To really make those heart connections with each of my wee ones. I think what I meant was, that I want to get underneath the should's and guilt of super high expectations, standards and stereotypes, and be myself, heart and soul in my mothering and in the other things I want to do. And remember to see my children's heart and soul as they are too.

Hubby and I had an awesome, and pretty intense talk last night in the last minutes of 2008, in response to the simple question "What do you want in 2009?" I gave voice to my fears of not being able to mesh my desires for more creative freedom, freedom in general with the demands of family life, and how it made me feel sad and anxious, believing there will have to be a choice at some point. As in, be the full on committed mom, OR let some of that go and concentrate on developing this other side of me. And true to form, ever my hero, the hero looked at me as if I were crazy, and said Do it. Do it all, because you can. There is no either-or here, he convinced me. After all, its only babysteps we're talking. I'm not throwing everyone into full time day care and disappearing from everyone's lives. I wasn't sure how everyone would feel, knowing I'm planning to be more "me" than I've allowed myself to be, and not just "mom". I'm not even sure what that will end up looking like, but I'm sure glad I will have a soft and cozy spot to land, wherever that will be.