As I start this post, I am a bit anxious to share it with you. As I mentioned before, I've been feeling very introspective lately, daring to peek at my old dreams, listening to the whispers of my heart. As the year ends, and another begins, my birthday approaches, and I'm trying not to be alarmed at the number that will soon be mine. (37!? really?) I'm tempted to say I'm getting too old to start any big, new dreams, or to hide behind the excuse of motherhood. But, there are things I want to do (list coming soon), ways to "be" that have eluded me to this point, mainly because of my fears of putting myself out there, the pull of the mundane routines of life keeping me from reaching for those new things, and perhaps some fear of success. I feel funny putting this all up on the blog, since I know mostly only my closest friends and family are reading this. Will you all be shocked to know "this or that" about me if I start taking my writing seriously, and put "that" out there? What if I fail? What if I tell you all I want to do something so badly, and then I don't do it...will you all think badly of me? (there she goes again!) Of course, I realize these are just my own fears talking, the thoughts I know I will have if I actually try the creative, writing, photographing, spiritual, searching life I want...and fail.
But how can there be failure? Hasn't God made me with these wishes and dreams? And 37 with 4 kids, and a very busy "normal" life? I know I will regret it one day if I let it all go by, only getting older, and one day I'll think 37 was so young and why didn't I just do it? Like everything else, I'll have to approach this with babysteps. Write a little every day, and who cares if its any good? (me) Take the photos, and again who cares? (me) Make the blog a little more artistic, more raw and honest soul stuff, and just see what happens. (yikes) I'm so so SO excited that I've signed up for a writing class AND a photography class starting in January. My wonderful hubby has given me 3 full Saturdays in a row to take the photography class. And 8 weeks of Thursday night writing. I think the structure of the classes will be a good kick in the pants for me, when its so easy to let these things fall by the wayside when life pushes in. But, the time is set aside and paid for, so I know for sure it will happen. And maybe, just maybe it will be enough of a shove to get the momentum going.
I've found so much inspiration lately on the new blogs I've posted in the side bar, and by wading into the favorite blog lists THEY list. So many amazing, creative, soul feeding blogs out there! And so many women longing for the same thing, creative freedom, belief in one's own voice and stories, and time to just be truly ourselves, all the while maintaining the needs of our regular life, and tending to those we love. Spend some time with these amazing women, wade into those blog rolls, and see if you don't start feeling some new creative stirrings!
Here's an incredible idea, from Jen Lee. I am very cautiously, gently wading in to this project. No pressure! (I say to myself) Watch the video she has there about "The Portfolio Project" For me it will just be about getting into the habit about creating something, anything every day, (and not feeling guilty if I don't). Just making space in my mind and soul, telling myself YES! There is time for this. I can do this. In fact, its already part of me. I just need to let it out.
By the way, on a technical note, I don't know what's up with the font size on this post. I've tried publishing twice now and I keep getting a mixture of sizes. Is this the first joke on me? Yep, its not perfect. Ok. :)
Hope you are all having a lovely holiday week!