Thursday, January 1, 2009
Happy New Year!
I've felt a little exposed ever since that last post, but I think that's a good thing. Its something I want to get more comfortable with, that is just looking into my soul and being honest with what's there, rediscovering my own voice. I reread what I said about motherhood and realized I sounded kinda harsh and bitter about it. NOT what I really mean at all. Of course, there are so many joys in being a mom, and it is truly a very high calling. One thing on "the list" this year is to remember to be mindful, present for those moments as they come, and they truly are so frequent. To remember to hear their hearts in those difficult moments, as I remember to listen to my own. Remember how fragile our souls can be whether we are under age 10 or over 35. To really make those heart connections with each of my wee ones. I think what I meant was, that I want to get underneath the should's and guilt of super high expectations, standards and stereotypes, and be myself, heart and soul in my mothering and in the other things I want to do. And remember to see my children's heart and soul as they are too.
Hubby and I had an awesome, and pretty intense talk last night in the last minutes of 2008, in response to the simple question "What do you want in 2009?" I gave voice to my fears of not being able to mesh my desires for more creative freedom, freedom in general with the demands of family life, and how it made me feel sad and anxious, believing there will have to be a choice at some point. As in, be the full on committed mom, OR let some of that go and concentrate on developing this other side of me. And true to form, ever my hero, the hero looked at me as if I were crazy, and said Do it. Do it all, because you can. There is no either-or here, he convinced me. After all, its only babysteps we're talking. I'm not throwing everyone into full time day care and disappearing from everyone's lives. I wasn't sure how everyone would feel, knowing I'm planning to be more "me" than I've allowed myself to be, and not just "mom". I'm not even sure what that will end up looking like, but I'm sure glad I will have a soft and cozy spot to land, wherever that will be.