cabin fever hit me hard

I actually ran away for a few hours today. I honestly had just had enough of the incessant demands, questions and bickering, so I called for my hero, in tears, and he saved me like he always does. I disappeared into the city for some urban and retail therapy. I am having a hard time figuring out how to make this internal shift from what I've been told I need to be in order to be a "good mother", especially according to the peer pressure of the "good Christian women" portrayed in every Christian parenting book and magazine I've read since becoming a mom almost 10 years ago. I think I might not be able to fit that mode after all, and it scares me, and makes me mad that I even have that mentalimage to live up to. I need to find my way back to what I would have done had I never read any of that stuff. As in BE MYSELF, instead of living up to some ideal, always fulfilled with diapers, cooking and housework because its for the glory of God kind of thing, some kind of momma-zen BS. Of course, it CAN be that way. I keep hearing about it. I just get really, really tired of how small my world has become. Can I just say that I am BORED with "just" this? I am making good (mental) plans to move toward my dream(s), but don't feel ready to share them, for fear they will lose some power once spoken of. But, it does involve a lot of classroom time and a lot of money and often involves the abbreviation "U".

Ok, so here goes nothing.

your needs are so strong,
crushing me, i fear sometimes.
taking flight, i stay.

old aches still haunt me
i feel the whispered pain of
you not choosing me

There! 2 haikus that make me want to run and hide! Now, family and friends, please do not ask me what these poems mean, or make me explain them in any way. And no worrying about me because I put these things out there. Please just let them speak for themselves, otherwise I will be tempted not to try this raw honesty thing. I'm fine, promise. :)

Until next time, toodles...

(you have no idea that act of will it actually took for me to click "publish" on this post)

Beginning

As I start this post, I am a bit anxious to share it with you. As I mentioned before, I've been feeling very introspective lately, daring to peek at my old dreams, listening to the whispers of my heart. As the year ends, and another begins, my birthday approaches, and I'm trying not to be alarmed at the number that will soon be mine. (37!? really?) I'm tempted to say I'm getting too old to start any big, new dreams, or to hide behind the excuse of motherhood. But, there are things I want to do (list coming soon), ways to "be" that have eluded me to this point, mainly because of my fears of putting myself out there, the pull of the mundane routines of life keeping me from reaching for those new things, and perhaps some fear of success. I feel funny putting this all up on the blog, since I know mostly only my closest friends and family are reading this. Will you all be shocked to know "this or that" about me if I start taking my writing seriously, and put "that" out there? What if I fail? What if I tell you all I want to do something so badly, and then I don't do it...will you all think badly of me? (there she goes again!) Of course, I realize these are just my own fears talking, the thoughts I know I will have if I actually try the creative, writing, photographing, spiritual, searching life I want...and fail.

But how can there be failure? Hasn't God made me with these wishes and dreams? And 37 with 4 kids, and a very busy "normal" life? I know I will regret it one day if I let it all go by, only getting older, and one day I'll think 37 was so young and why didn't I just do it? Like everything else, I'll have to approach this with babysteps. Write a little every day, and who cares if its any good? (me) Take the photos, and again who cares? (me) Make the blog a little more artistic, more raw and honest soul stuff, and just see what happens. (yikes) I'm so so SO excited that I've signed up for a writing class AND a photography class starting in January. My wonderful hubby has given me 3 full Saturdays in a row to take the photography class. And 8 weeks of Thursday night writing. I think the structure of the classes will be a good kick in the pants for me, when its so easy to let these things fall by the wayside when life pushes in. But, the time is set aside and paid for, so I know for sure it will happen. And maybe, just maybe it will be enough of a shove to get the momentum going.

I've found so much inspiration lately on the new blogs I've posted in the side bar, and by wading into the favorite blog lists THEY list. So many amazing, creative, soul feeding blogs out there! And so many women longing for the same thing, creative freedom, belief in one's own voice and stories, and time to just be truly ourselves, all the while maintaining the needs of our regular life, and tending to those we love. Spend some time with these amazing women, wade into those blog rolls, and see if you don't start feeling some new creative stirrings!

Here's an incredible idea, from Jen Lee. I am very cautiously, gently wading in to this project. No pressure! (I say to myself) Watch the video she has there about "The Portfolio Project" For me it will just be about getting into the habit about creating something, anything every day, (and not feeling guilty if I don't). Just making space in my mind and soul, telling myself YES! There is time for this. I can do this. In fact, its already part of me. I just need to let it out.

By the way, on a technical note, I don't know what's up with the font size on this post. I've tried publishing twice now and I keep getting a mixture of sizes. Is this the first joke on me? Yep, its not perfect. Ok. :)

Hope you are all having a lovely holiday week!

Snow Days

Oh, the weather outside is frightful...




You know the rest. Delightful.

Merry Christmas...and so it begins.

Our boy made his recital debut tonight at his preschool Christmas program. There are no words to describe how cute it was. Hubby and I both teared up.















I'm pretty sure I experienced heart bursting joy tonight.

Winter Traditions

I'd call it Christmas traditions, but that's not really what this post is about. Its about my annual look at myself that seems to happen about this time of year. Not sure if its because its the end of a year and the start of another, or if its the cozy, Northwest winter settling in, or what. But it happens every year. I suppose you could say I start to think of New Year's Resolutions, but I don't think of them that way. Its like I start to peel off the layers of my heart and soul and remember little bits and pieces of myself that I've forgotten. I remember that I want to be really connected to each of my kids hearts, and not just managing the group, and our collective schedules and needs.



I remember that I want to not just be a "Christian" but to actually have a relationship with Christ, His Word, and live in quiet, mindful contemplation of the awesome-ness of the fact that that is even possible. I remember that I'm a good writer, and I could do a lot more with that if I just sit down and do it. I remember that I like good books, and feel better when I know there's one waiting for me on my bedside table. I want to be creative and free to be "me" and not just "mom", though that is a wonderful part of being me. I feel myself daring to peek at the dusty, cobwebbed corners of my mind where I've tucked my wildest dreams and some ordinary ones too. So, here's to my winter tradition of discovering myself, all over again.

Insert Angelic 12 Part Harmony Chorus Here

Can you hear it? My big photography moment has arrived! My fabulous hubby got me (ok, I got myself) a brand spankin' new, digital SLR camera, yep, just like Pioneer Woman's, for an early Christmas present! I've been so inspired by all the amazing photography on the blogs I love to visit, that I decided to take the plunge into "real" photography.

"HAAL-LE-LU-JAH" (there they are again)...



I'll be glad to give credit where credit's due, notice the little www.kenrockwell.com byline on the camera picture. He's got a fabulous website on all things camera and photography and I'm sure I'll be there often, learning what the heck all the bells and whistles on this thing do!
Oh my, do I have a lot to learn!!

Here are a few of my first shots..


Nothing too fancy yet, but I'm having fun!

Aside from that, I've been having a wonderful time connecting with old friends on facebook as I mentioned. Its been so great to "see" these people who literally make up my history. I will try to get back to blogging more often now, especially now that I have my new toy!

I can't believe Christmas is only a few weeks away! I need to get crackin' on shopping, crafting, decorating, baking, etc! Oooh, I'm thinking lots of photo opportunities!!

My New Obsession

Hello all! Again, I'm sorry I've been distracted from blogging! Hubby man was out of town, and I've been having a total blast finding many long, lost friends with the help of my new internet BFF, FACEBOOK!! I'm telling you folks, if you have not yet signed up with this amazing system of social networking, you must go there immediately, sign up (it's free), and then find me on there and ask to be my friend. And find all your old friends too! I've been on for about a week or so, and have found about 30 people I never thought I would see or hear from again. This is no ordinary classmate search, oh no, its so much more! So fun! So, if you don't see me too much here on the blog for awhile, you can find me chatting away with all my best old buds on wonderful, marvelous , dreamy facebook! See you there!!

synchronicity

Everyone go read Pastor Ryan today. Sometimes things keep coming up in life, and you just know its not a coincidence. My heart is open to the message coming in...is yours?

waking up and settling in

Hello all, sorry for the long break between posts. I have to admit, I've gotten a bit preoccupied with trivial fluff lately, and let myself get a bit lazy about a lot of things. We went to church tonight, and heard a fantastic message about "The Rich Fool", (see for yourself, Luke 12:13-21), about a man who came to Jesus and the first thing out of his mouth was not "what's this whole free gift of eternal life thing?" or "what's the deal with your forgiving people of their sins no matter what?", but "My brother got more of the inheritance than me, tell him to give me my share!". Hmmm, your one chance with JESUS, God incarnate, and the guy totally blew it. Now, of course, Jesus didn't rebuke the guy straight out, but loved him enough to tell him a story that basically boils down to the fact that whenever we "store up" for ourselves treasures on earth, and neglect loving God, serving God, serving people that is the epitome of foolishness. I have begun to go down this road, the road of comfort, the road of selfishness and apathy, and how much else can I store up in this world? Our church is sending a small group of dedicated families to start a new church in downtown Bellevue, a very posh section of town in the midst of 1.5 million people who do not know the incredibly good news that not only is Jesus real, but that his free gift of grace, God's love and forgiveness is alive and well and waiting for them. Its interesting to think of this area as being a mission field, a mission field not among the poorest of the poor, but perhaps the richest of the rich, people who think they are Christian because they celebrate Christmas and Easter, or that they are going to heaven because they are "good people" and they believe in God and they are doing their best, and what else is there? People lulled by their comfort into thinking their lives are under control. I am lulled by my own comfort, but I am waking up again. Thank goodness he never lets me wander too far, or I would surely be lost by now.

So, I'm settling into the comforts of Fall, family and the upcoming holidays, and waking up to a new work God is doing in our church, in our community, and in my heart. Some comforts are such gifts. Others, such a stumbling block!

If you are wondering what I'm talking about, or think I'm getting all Jesus Freaky, you know, it just is what it is. Truth with a capital T.

Darling Daughters

Hello everyone! Not much new to report for now. Here is a long awaited view of our middle girl playing her violin. I didn't think about the fact that it would come out sideways once I played it on the computer, so just have a little giggle on me while you turn your laptop on end, or watch this clip sideways. Enjoy!





Also, here are a couple pics of babygirl tonight. I was so awestruck by the awesome-ness of her post shower curls, I had to go grab the camera before tucking her in.



Yesterday, the girls came with me to the Farmgirls meeting, and we went to a Spinning class at the Foothills Academy in nearby Duvall. It was so cool! We learned how to make yarn from wool roving (basically, brushed raw wool) with a spindle. Its very simple, but somehow very satisfying! Middle girl has found a new passion, and she is my little fiber fiend in the making, loving anything to do with yarn, knitting, crochet, etc. She is spinning her little heart out, and it warms my heart. I bet Anna is going to post some of her fabulous photos from the class soon, since she and her girls were there too.

Until next time,

Daddy's home

And all is right with the world....









Hope everyone has a great week! And remember, BE the blessing...

Randomness

We're crawling out from under the rock of 3 rounds of the stomach flu (me, babygirl and big girl), and the man is in the Los Angeles for 4 days adding to his real estate guru-ness. Did you know that he is a real estate guru? Well, he is. We miss him greatly. I'm very proud of him. He'll be home tomorrow, and then I'm taking a looooong bubble bath. I don't have too much to share right now. I'm generally happy. But honestly, today and yesterday, I've been mostly grumpy. I'm sure it will pass uh, in a few days, if you know what I mean. Ahem.

Anyhoo, I haven't taken too many pics lately, but here are a few I forgot about that I found on my camera today.

I call this, "Tomatoes from My Garden, Glistening in Morning Sunshine" (too much?)





Here's one I like to call, "Cute Moment with Babygirl Playing with Ball of Yarn, Not Quite in Focus"




Here's one (ok, two) that I call "Babygirl in Bathtub, Not Quite in focus and With Too Much Digital Noise, Because I Don't Exactly Know What I'm Doing With My Camera." Still, very cute babygirl!
Oh, and babygirl pooped in said bathtub tonight. :) Don't tell her I told you.

Happy Birthday, Ponchito!

That's what they called him in the song last night at the restaurant, and it made us all giggle, and that includes pretty much the whole restaurant. I bet you just giggled too! :) I tried to look it up online to see what it means, and the official Spanish translator didn't recognize it.(I think maybe that's a bad sign) Other, googled answers came up with "cheap dive/Mexican restaurant", "belly", and uh, other things too. SO, Happy Birthday to my love, my partner in life (and crime), my very best friend. Ponchito!!

And anyone recognize this child??




Yes, that's Lil Ponchito himself, circa 1974 or so. Or is that our youngest daughter, aka babygirl herself? Weird, huh??!

And if there are any spanish translators out there, and know that this is actually some kind of dirty word... just let us stay in the dark, ok? Let us enjoy the giggles!

In a word, me

I made this here.

My Latest Thoughts and Stuff

Hey y'all, just thought I'd check in, and give you a peek into what's going on in my little world and mind lately.

• I love Fall.

• Soccer is not so bad.

• I am going to stop biting my fingernails. Again.

• I might get a tattoo. (gasp! I know! I want one, 'cause I'm crazy like that)

• I love it when hubby man makes a fire in the fireplace. It makes me feel all safe and "schmoopy". I especially like it when he does it with his hat on backwards. He's extra cute that way.
  

• I'm going to knit more, and actually learn how to do things that aren't just rectangles! I made a new friend at the Farmgirls meeting last week (we learned how to make cheese!), and she's going to be my knitting mentor. I'm going to be her chicken mentor. (who'd a thought I'd be a chicken mentor?!)

• I'm learning about this out-there, "woo-woo" thing called the Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), which is a pretty straightforward acupressure technique to help with all kinds of physical and emotional issues. I'm learning that its not that out there or woo-woo, and that I think it works, and the mind/body connection is an amazing thing. Ok, its still a little woo-woo.
  

• I love not homeschooling. (there, I said it out loud.) Homeschooling is great for a lot of people. Regular school is great for me.

• I love to read, and yet I don't do it very often. I check out a lot of books from the library, but then just leave them in a pile next to my bed or on the coffee table, and look at them. I love knowing I have a pile of books at hand, in case I get inspired to step away from the computer!

• Right now, I'm not that great at keeping up with this blog, or getting my camera out to capture all the ordinary, wonderful moments, people, and things around me. But, I promise I'll keep at it.
  

soccer, and birthdays and dolls, oh my

I'm back, sorry its been awhile. Its been a whirlwind week of non-stop soccer action, a birthday party, and my most challenging craft project yet, all whilst dear hubby was out of town! Whew! I don't have anything too profound, or silly to share this time.(please forgive my last post, and that you had to look at it for so long...I was in a silly mood...which isn't that unusual actually...but still...) Soooo....let's just get right to the photos!

Ok, I can't even believe that my biggest girl just turned 9!! How did that happen? She decided to "go retro" too for her birthday and we found ourselves at Skate King again, and you know, you just can't get enough Skate King. Happy is she who has her birthday at Skate King. And really, the giant skate is enough to make anyone smile.






And smile she did....



Which brings me to the week of complicated doll making! I've decided to make as many handmade gifts as possible for as long as the spirit moves me, so I asked her to look through a few magazines I have and pick something. I was thinking maybe she'd pick a cute little apron, or maybe a quilt similar to the one I just made for her sister. No, no....she picked a "topsy-turvy Little Red Riding Hood doll", which is from MaryJanesFarm Magazine, Artists in Aprons issue. Which means, that with the skirt one way, it looks like Little Red Riding Hood, but if you flip the skirt up, then it looks like Grandma, and if you turn Grandma around to the back, it looks like the wolf in Grandma's clothes. yikes. So, I immediately told her I couldn't do it. Its too hard. And then I proceeded to try....And....TA-DA!!




Ha! I did it! It actually turned out pretty well, and she was totally surprised and says she loves it, so mission accomplished! I can't believe that the whole sewing thing is actually not that hard. Its kinda like cooking, if you get a good recipe, and learn a few vocabulary words, and follow the directions, it usually comes out ok.

We've got soccer out the wazoo these days, and I'd have lots of pictures of big and middle girls last game, except that it was pouring down rain and cold, so I wasn't much in the mood for picture taking. I have to admit though, it is kind of cool how so much of our community is out at these games on any given night, you see so many people you know, and the kids absolutely love it, so I guess I can't complain too much.



And, I just have to say, I am so loving my new time and freedom with 2 big girls in school full days, and the boy in preschool 3 mornings a week. I LOVE spending my afternoons with just my boy. He's had so few chances to just be himself without the influence and competition for time and attention from his sisters, that its just so refreshing to be able to have a conversation and hang out with him and give him my undivided attention each afternoon. We've been playing "baseball" every afternoon that the weather allows, and he is quite a good little batter, and I've been named the best pitcher in the world several times this week. I've also started taking babygirl to Musikgarten class each week, which is a time I also treasure. Again, here is a child who has pretty much never had time away from her siblings, (who all adore her by the way), and its so interesting to see her just totally shine in her own way in this class. She participates with total abandon and just loves it. I love being able to spend this time with her and get to know her in a way I have not been able to before. I feel like I'm really moving into a new phase right now, and I have to say it feels pretty good. For the first time in almost 10 years, I am not pregnant and/or nursing someone. Wow! I feel myself finding "me" again, and I'm pretty happy about that. Hubby is pretty happy about that too. :)

I'm about to start a new knitting project, as the weather feels more like knitting weather all of a sudden. The air is quite crisp, and the rain is starting. And I'm sitting in front of this right now...



I am loving the season I'm in.

Viva Retro!

Just thought I'd check in with you all to give you a look at all the educational videos we've been watching at our house lately.

Coming soon, thoughts on soccer, community, and so much more! :)




















Oh, and one more thing. As I was picking out 2 thermos-es (thermi?) for my school girls today, I was reminded of one of my very favorite songs. Much love to Steve Martin. (For those very easily offended, please do not press play) I can't help it! It makes me giggle every time. Tell me you didn't giggle!